Photos · Poems

Between the Beats

Looking over the hills speckled with
Couples and city lights
Arm stretched along the back of a bench
A vacancy left to rest
Time traveling inside headphones
A lonely current felt between the beats
Your body is heavy
Wistfully still
An emptiness filled with peace

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Journal Entries · Photos

42 New Years Resolutions – The Problem of Being an Overly Ambitious Creative Person

  1. Spend the whole year without buying gifts and making all gifts and cards by hand.
  2. Cook all my meals instead of buying them and only buy meals when I’m with a friend.
  3. Writing in my journal after work each day.
  4. Be at the gym by 5:15pm.
  5. Each day write or talk about the 3 most amazing things that happened in my day.
  6. Thank bus drivers, bankers, grocery clerks, and service people in general and ask them questions about how they are and get to know them as people. Be more receptive and friendly and let myself have a moment with people I may not know that well or could get to know more.
  7. Read more graphic novels.
  8. Play more party games.
  9. Do more spontaneous things after work.
  10. Spend more time out by myself.
  11. Draw one drawing, write one creative piece, and take one photo a day on days that I’m not too busy.
  12. Draw comics and make stop motions a couple times a month.
  13. Transition from writing poems to writing songs. Maybe perform them one day.
  14. Practice feeling comfortable singing in my room songs that like and songs that I write, maybe take singing classes again.
  15. Find someone who likes making electronic music who may want to collaborate with me once I’m brave enough.
  16. Volunteer to work with children with disabilities.
  17. Listen to podcasts and books on tape while coloring my coloring books.
  18. Take dance and martial art classes.
  19. Listen to music more often and get Spotify.
  20. Ask my housemates how they are doing more and share food and fun times with them.
  21. Organize fun events and get togethers without spending money.
  22. Have a routine that creates a natural rhythm to go to sleep between 10:00pm and 10:30pm.
  23. Focus on the present and don’t let the past or my fears  or any other distractions get the best of me.
  24. Talk less. Listen, read, learn and produce more.
  25. Speak more directly, concisely, honestly from the heart and have diamond shaped thoughts and conversations.
  26. Go to Toast Masters and practice speaking in public.
  27. Read my poems at an open mic night.
  28. Talk to my dad consistently, maybe write down his stories.
  29. Eat food that is more protein and fat and nutritional focused and have less carbs, sugar and starch.
  30. Take better care of my back by carrying less weight, laying on my back each day, stretching, core strengthening, using electronic devices less, using ergonomic stands or equipment if I do use devices, and having better posture.
  31. Have an intention and theme of the day and see how the day may act as a Tarot card in motion for me with lessons to learn and things to know.
  32. Use more natural and soothing products that has good smells and gives me vitamins or probiotics and leaves me feeling more happy and relaxed about how my body feels.
  33. Create soothing environments with pretty music, lights and candles.
  34. Create my own affirmation Tarot cards, felt animals, journals, bookmarks, and stickers. Maybe sell them on Etsy.
  35. Read books about mindfulness and positive psychology.
  36. Go to meetups, book clubs, dance clubs, and meet people and share things.
  37. Go on long walks in the hills while listening to music. Go to parks and nature, be with trees and see grand views.
  38. Make a list of 30 acts of kindness to do in the month approaching my birthday.
  39. Travel with my mom.
  40. Rent a place with friends for a weekend or a week getaway. Tahoe, Maui, Sante Fe, Grand Canyon, San Diego, Toronto…these are possibilities.
  41. Actually buy tickets or have a date in mind to see my dad.
  42. Hula hoop at Dolores Park again.
Photos · Poems

Answers

The answer is not getting home early
It’s not getting things done
It’s getting lost in a song
And letting it take you
To the ocean
It’s about getting off the bus
To go chase the sun
It’s about spending time with
The neighborhood cat
Instead of always
Being on the run
Drift through the avenues
As your wheels spin
Watch rays of light
On the cars glisten
Feel your shirt flutter
As you grace
A suburban hill
Full of dreams and pastels
Float between
The daily routine
With a new freedom
Let your feelings
Guide your wings
Watch the seagulls
Dance in the sky
Feel moved
By a passerby
Sand blowing in the air
Seeing footprints disappear
People walking
Playing catch with their dogs
Looking to the horizon
With their own dialogues
Sun winking
Wind playing in hair
Take a deep breath
And let go of your cares

Journal Entries · Photos

Learning How to Find Adventure and Shake the World


Seeing the words joy, adventure, “shaking the world” the other day on a fortune cookie fortune made me feel a rush of excitement. The fortune said, “Joy comes from adventure today. Time to shake the world.” I wanted to find the adventure. Maybe I’d find it if I go home, write and rediscover it. But then I realized I didn’t know how. At first I was going to map out all my dreams and goals I’ve had for the last couple years to remind myself of them and see if they still inspire me. Thinking about my drawing and writing ones still seemed to have that spark until something happened. I suddenly felt tired and apathetic. I didn’t believe in my dreams because they seemed unrealistic, far fetched, and requiring  me to not lose track of them by getting distracted with other things that keep me busy. I didn’t know why I wanted to draw or write or why I wanted any of my dreams. Did I want a career, recognition, mastery, confidence? I know that I try to deny that I want those things and maybe when I looked at my dreams I felt I saw straight through them, seeing them as superficial, fickle and transitory. 

Though I’ve felt the thrill of adventure when I had a dream. The chase and anticipation of a dream gives me so much energy and a sense of accomplishment when moving through the evolving goals leading up to it. It feels as if I’m shaking the world with my pursuits.

But there’s also another type of adventure that maybe I sensed I was missing. A kind that most artists need before they get to that kind of goal oriented adventure.

It’s the adventure of an observed life.

I realized I was feeling a full, rich and subtle sensation that my life is an adventure when I had the intention to illustrate something that I saw or experienced each day. It sanctified the small things and made them extra colorful and special, whether it was because they were beautiful, funny, disgusting, sad or honest. The emotions of these little experiences would animate the drawings and make the memories of my life more crisply meaningful and rememberable. Without these drawings, I might not remember the two teenagers talking about their driving test at the bus stop or how I saw an audience of pigeons listening to the street performers. Even if I did remember, the memories may be more muted or dull in my mind because the drawings forced me to recall and save more sensory and emotional information for the long term. This is where stories come from and that is where the expressive and artistic adventure can begin. It is also where life can be appreciated and shared by others who will find a familiar and relatable sweetness about what has been captured in the story.

So now when I feel that rush of excitement and am eager to find the adventure all I need to do is to notice something and let myself feel its worth and significance in my days story. Appreciating these little vignettes and reflecting on them all as a whole could be the start to a very rich, real and beautiful adventure as well as a meaningful journey as an artist.

Photos · Poems

Choices

  
Choices left and right
Ultimately it’s up to you
It’s always up to you
You wonder if you could go back
If you don’t like the road you choose
Would you really have nothing to lose?
Looking down the great unknown
Curious, scared
You’re going far from home
All the people, places you like
Will be far from sight
You try to keep the feelings near
Letting the memories you cherish
Comfort you here
Can you always find home?
A refuge in your heart
When you are alone
Facing your fears in the dark?
You know, you don’t have to
You don’t have to leave
You don’t have to live this way
You could stay
You could never know
What’s beyond the sweetness of home
You could wonder
What you are capable of
And dream of things you’ll never do
You could be in a limbo
Between what’s comfortable
And what could strengthen you
But you’ll always wonder
What if you did it?
Where would you be?
What if you risked it
And felt more complete
What if you found
What you’re looking for
What if you discover
Another open door?

Photos · Poems

Raindrop Thoughts

Yesterday I was feeling lost and troubled
Anxiety bubbling, insecurity doubled
I didn’t believe in my own abundance
That all my strengths had no substance

But something changed my confidence
And made me sense a subtle competence
A smile, a phone call, a chance to find
What I can do and some peace of mind

Watching hearts dance and come alive
Playing and learning is how to thrive
Curiousity and the drive for more
Guide me to never feel stuck or bored

Seeing that there is so much to discover
Is a lifeboat when riding through rocky weather
I am daring to be cold and uncomfortable
Because growth only comes when you are vulnerable

Photos · Poems

Magician

 

One day I will be a successful magician
Turning what I see into its fruition
Imagination more than a mere suggestion
Reality a blank slate with no permission

I want to do so many things with my life
I’ll be able to, with my wand by my side
And if I don’t like the path that I choose
I’ll swing my wand, I got nothing to lose

Every possibility at my fingertips
Dreams come true as words slip from my lips
With my wand I can savor ten thousand sips
A journey traveled by a legion of ships