Lost Poems from High School: Paradox

It’s a constant buzzing.
I want to be myself inside and out
I can’t tell if I’m hiding, am I? I think we’re all hiding
I’m living in a paradox
Meditating, I feel like an awkward imposter trying to relax with an absent mind, ridding myself of the consciousness I feel all the time
The critic is always sarcastic and closed, making fun of the intimacy of the world.
The innocent love the world and they’re never afraid or ashamed. They play and enjoy, they’re not faking anything.
I feel asleep with a busy mind.
I’m embarrassed and I don’t know why
I want to be but I don’t.
I feel like I’m floating in a fog and no one can really see me
and I can’t really be here.
When we’re grown it seems we feel restricted and
only gifted with reputations.
There’s cursing inside my head,
Woke up on the wrong side of the bed today,
I’m frustrated, angry for no reason.
What kind of poison is this?
Maybe I’m just tired.
There’s something I wanted to say,
But I’m living on a slippery slope.
I keep quiet while you wait
for me to show you who I am.
I don’t know who I am!
My feelings, I can’t organize them.
Let’s withdraw from this situation.

Photos · Poems

Beauty and Noise

The smell of plastic wrap
And CD cases
Old linoleum floors
Under squeaky converse laces
Holding the song in my hands
Excited to listen whenever
Excited to discover more
No more elusive mysteries slipping in and out of coffee shop doors
What other emotions and atmospheric worlds are in store?
Curious to finally see the lyrics
Curious to see the pictures inside
Wondering who they are, how they look like
The faces that hide behind the voices that bring me to life

They pile in the corner of my room
4 sided symbols of the past and all that’s in between
Collecting who I am and where I’ve been
Collecting the heartaches and friendships
The phases, fads and memories
Songs holding our names, our identities
Classifying you and me
Bringing us together
Bringing us apart
An art that’s more than beauty and noise
An art that gave us freedom of choice

It was a culture, a definition, a destination
It was dance, it was image
It was clothes, it was language

It was an extension of what lay underneath
It was an extension of you and me

Journal Entries

Joy, Liberation and Transformation at the Tips of a Hairdresser’s Scissors

My haircut day was memorable. It seemed like my hairdresser was having a stressful day when I arrived. When I told her I wanted to cut off and donate over 10 inches she beamed, though she was cautious. I told her I trusted her judgment with the style but she warned me that it will be a big change and wanted me to be doubly sure that that’s what I wanted.

At that point I had been so bored with my hair and it was taking to much of my time with how tangled it got. Shorter hair seemed liberating and seemed like it would encourage me to exercise and dance more because I would’t have to spend so much time trying to put it up or manage before or after.

I affirmed with my hairdresser that it was what I wanted and she got so excited! She asked if she could take a before and after photo of me on her phone which I adamantly said yes to and that it was such a great idea. She told me how much my haircut made her day and that it was so great to end her day with such an amazing and dramatic transformation. It felt good to give her so much trust and freedom with my hair, though I was a little worried when she told me she wanted to give me bangs.

I hadn’t had bangs since elementary school and it was a long, painful and awkward process to grow them out. I didn’t want them to lay heavily on my for head and curl in random positions. I told her all my apprehensions about them and she said not to worry because she will cut them in a way that will make the cut look great as it grows out. She seemed so confident that the bangs won’t have those issues because she had specialized skill in cutting curly hair and she knew what she needed to do to create the specific vision she had for my hair.

I’m so glad I let her do it! It’s probably one of the best haircuts I ever had. Every week I get compliments for my hair and people even ask to touch it, which I find flattering and funny. My hair can now show the curl and volume it always had. Somehow it also looks darker and less frizzy too. I love that!

And the bangs are so fun! I like how they move and frame my face.

Afterward she sent me a collage of my before and after pictures and told me how happy this whole experience made her feel. I loved how a simple thing like a haircut could make so much happiness for both of us. I felt like a different person or perhaps a truer person. I felt that taking that curtain of weight off my head allowed more of my personality to come through and beam out to the world. Two months later I am still appreciating the impact of my new look. What a great decision! 😀

Photos · Poems

Embrace It

Singing alone in an empty stairway
You feel brave enough to kiss the freeway
Your cement box collapsing
Your heart unwrapping
Thrown into the noise
Standing reverant and poised
You cut what’s not needed
You bless the defeated
Making a new decision
To embrace a new vision
Step out of the prison
And turn on the ignition
Make a Saturday sacred
It’s the way you make it
One day at time
One yes at a time

Photos · Poems


Light on the leaves
Beams through the trees
Footsteps gentle on the grass

Dreams blurring
Memories stirring
Subdued feelings in the landscape

Ghosts we knew
Walking with us as we grew
The cast of your life

They build the fields and mountains
The lands and gardens
Shaping your world with each step
Shaping your world with each pulse
Each breath

Photos · Poems


 Jumping, darting, skipping along
Speed and weightlessness
No heavy weight dragging me
Light with no inertia
Casual and free
Thrill and novelty
Fascination, infatuation, fantasy
Dream big, dream wide
Dream again a different life
Never having, never owning
Never reading more than the cover
Never getting more than the intro
Whisked away, forever on the loose
Exhilaration, “Oh, now I know!
I should do this!”
One day and ever since
Putting it on the to do list
Watch it grow moss
See the mold and cobwebs
Watch it turn to dust
A mockery, an indignant laugh
At the past, at my faith, at my belief
Lust, passion, how far removed are you now?
How many nipped rose buds
Can you count on the ground?
Do I like this?
Or do I just don’t know how
To sink when I dive
To stop my body from rising out
The waves and water push me back
Every millionth time I try
But I try again
To pull me down, pull me through
Commit through the bookends
Carrying the rock of my own I.O.U.
But wanting to disintegrate it
Before reaching the depths of dark blue
Maybe the rock needs to be something else
Something true
Something I don’t know
Maybe I need to wait before jumping
To find the weight of something
I could never let go

Photos · Poems


The minutes, the hours
The days and weeks
The months, the seasons
The years that leak
Looking for safety
Practical and prudent
Doing something good
Righteously helping
Serving a person
Serving the community
But who are you?
What makes you happy?
Chasing the time to question
Chasing the answers as
Time rolls through
Wondering what to say to,
“How are you?”
Smile upon the shore
Another day, another door
Another chance to wonder
What your life is for