Dizzy and stumbling
Trying to find the ground
After putting my world
In someone else’s hands.
Rising and falling
Back to reality
Not sure what to feel
What to do
Was it a dream?
Are you still there?
Where was I?
Are you anything more than a passerby?
Letting you go, pretending you’re not there
Doesn’t feel fair
I wonder what you’re feeling
If you feel any withdrawal at all
I wonder if any feeling I feel
Is real at all.
I don’t believe in my own longings
I fight myself all the time.
Out of sight out of mind
Blinded by my feelings
Chasing your shadow.
Looking over the hills speckled with
Couples and city lights
Arm stretched along the back of a bench
A vacancy left to rest
Time traveling inside headphones
A lonely current felt between the beats
Your body is heavy
An emptiness filled with peace
Too long not chasing this bright pulse
Too long avoiding the rain
Ride this storm out
Ride it out
You and me
Connected in a flowing ever changing web
Of molecules and experiences
Coincidences that never stop
A deep unknowing
A vague understanding
We feel it out
We swim it through
Captivated by what we must do
We chase then hide
Curling up, sleeping it away
And suddenly we feel the kick start
Of our beating heart
And hope it isn’t too late
To seize this breathing wonder
Before all our fireflies drift away
Wondering if it’ll ever be okay
Wondering if it’ll all be alright
Wondering if I’m awake enough
To embrace the space
Between the earth and sky
And strike a little light in the world tonight.
And it takes your breath away
Just before dropping
You dare to hold on
The rush of wind in your lungs
Freeing you from yourself
Letting it all go
Feeling your heart flutter and race
As you plunge in the wonder of this vast abyss
The sparkling deep blue
Flowing up and down
Together and forever
Over and under
Sharing you there
I’ll hold you there
In the embrace of the night sky
Your spirit elevated
As light as a tear
I’ll hold you there
In our one and only time here
This week was a big week for everyone. The inauguration and protests were huge historical events. I loved how the rain revealed and strengthened the determination and passion of everyone involved with the march. I saw a lot of creative messages like “Tweet others how you’d like to be tweeted,” “A woman’s place is with the resistance” and “We’re only going to get browner, queerer, louder, stronger and watch the dinosaurs die away.” It was inspiring to see the vast ocean of people in all directions and how smoothly and peacefully it was all organized. Kids, families, pets were all there. It was invigorating and emotional, a wake up call to be ready to protect what’s important to us.
I was a little bit better with sleeping this week. Instead of going to bed at midnight every night I went to bed at midnight for two nights, at 11pm for two nights, 11:45pm for two nights and late night that was more like 1am for one night. I still need to turn the bed time ritual into a habit but I realized having a large pillow on my chest and stomach under the layers of comforters really relaxed me and made it easier to sleep.
I’m still doing the drawing once a day challenge! Lately they have been more quick and sloppy because of time so my goal has been to at least hit the bare minimum of just getting something out there. So I haven’t used the enveloping technique as much. I drew some of my drawings this week from photos of people from this website called bodiesinmotion.com that my friend showed me. They have photos and movies of dancers, martial artists, and acrobats that you can draw. It’s really good for practicing epic figure drawing! It inspired me to look into classes at Circus Circus like cyr wheel, lyra, hooping, aerial silks, and bungee dance.
Also my friend and I went to a figure drawing class but unfortunately the model didn’t show up. It would be great to get that practice every so often because how you see things in person is different than how you see things photographed. It’s harder and provides more potential for growth through the challenge.
This week was the first week of my art class! I learned how to access the online portion of the class and started reading posts and introducing myself on the forums. Looks like I’m going to have a busy semester. Every couple weeks a big project is due that will give me a hands-on understanding on a specific design concept. On the first day in class we got to paint with found objects (feathers, leaves, cuetips, pipe cleaners, etc.) on large butcher paper while listening to music with a process oriented intent. This coming week we are going to frame a small portion of what we painted and then critique and talk about why we framed what we framed.
Only went to the gym once but I walked a lot this week during work and during the marches so at least I was moving somewhat. I had three days in a row where I walked two hours straight. And I’m starting this week right by going to the gym for two and half hours on Monday (80 minutes cardio, 50 minutes of strengthing, 20 minutes stretching).
Sushiritto, pupusas, Duper Duper veggie burger, and Arizmendi pizza were the four meals I went out for this week, but I cooked this week too to make up for it.
Delicata squash, ramen with egg, roasted hazelnuts and almonds, hummus, crackers and Swiss cheese were snacks I made and had. I love delicata squash! It’s my new found favorite! And snacks are the best. I think I need them little meals throughout the day so I don’t over do it.
I met with friends for three days this week. I haven’t seen one friend for over six months and another in over a year and was able to catch up and play Bananagrama with them. Also the march brought my work, samba and college friends all in one place, which was tricky to coordinate but cool to see!
I haven’t mentioned anything about work this year but so far in the past month with my clients I’ve played indoor basketball, had two long walks (including a scavenger hunt) across various neighborhoods of the city, read in the park, helped make orzo pasta and polenta lasagne, and acted as a giraffe lost in space in the first day of drama class. The year is off to a good start.
I’m on my third comic book from that pile of nine. This past week I read the first volume of Wicked and Divine and am now in the middle of the second one. The way the artists use the panels and express the emotions of the characters is very clever and creative and surprising. Like showing a map of a weekend concert with the main character’s comments all over it about what things have happened there or a photo sequence showing the perception of the character as she is slowly experiencing being drugged. The colors in the art is very neon like it’s an adult Lisa Frank book. I’m learning a lot about world mythology and celebrities by taking the time to look up all the connections in the comic online. I enjoy the strength and attitude in all the characters and how diverse they are in their races and sexual orientations. It’s a little hard to follow all the characters so sometimes I’m lost but somehow I’m still pulled in and enjoying it. I’m excited to see who I’ll meet next and what will happen.
As always, goals for next week:
• Draw figures using the envelope technique.
• At least start getting ready for bed at 9pm or as soon as I get home.
• Look at my online class 3-4 times a week.
• Read another comic or two.
• Have 2-3 days where I go to the gym.
• Go out to eat only for 2-3 days.
• Start writing again: a journal entry, a poem, and a snippet of a fiction story
Stories are like marshmallows
Burning in campfires
Goey, messy, tough to control
A dance between you and the world
Burning in ways you didn’t expect
But making it all stick together
All the rich layers that can be bitter or brittle
Or melt under a warm touch
Or stay strong and steady through the thick and thin
Each marshmallow to be seen as too burnt or too white
All of them striving for that perfect tan
That perfect vulnerability that doesn’t kill you with carcinogens
A thin layer strong enough to hold a soft gushing heart
- Spend the whole year without buying gifts and making all gifts and cards by hand.
- Cook all my meals instead of buying them and only buy meals when I’m with a friend.
- Writing in my journal after work each day.
- Be at the gym by 5:15pm.
- Each day write or talk about the 3 most amazing things that happened in my day.
- Thank bus drivers, bankers, grocery clerks, and service people in general and ask them questions about how they are and get to know them as people. Be more receptive and friendly and let myself have a moment with people I may not know that well or could get to know more.
- Read more graphic novels.
- Play more party games.
- Do more spontaneous things after work.
- Spend more time out by myself.
- Draw one drawing, write one creative piece, and take one photo a day on days that I’m not too busy.
- Draw comics and make stop motions a couple times a month.
- Transition from writing poems to writing songs. Maybe perform them one day.
- Practice feeling comfortable singing in my room songs that like and songs that I write, maybe take singing classes again.
- Find someone who likes making electronic music who may want to collaborate with me once I’m brave enough.
- Volunteer to work with children with disabilities.
- Listen to podcasts and books on tape while coloring my coloring books.
- Take dance and martial art classes.
- Listen to music more often and get Spotify.
- Ask my housemates how they are doing more and share food and fun times with them.
- Organize fun events and get togethers without spending money.
- Have a routine that creates a natural rhythm to go to sleep between 10:00pm and 10:30pm.
- Focus on the present and don’t let the past or my fears or any other distractions get the best of me.
- Talk less. Listen, read, learn and produce more.
- Speak more directly, concisely, honestly from the heart and have diamond shaped thoughts and conversations.
- Go to Toast Masters and practice speaking in public.
- Read my poems at an open mic night.
- Talk to my dad consistently, maybe write down his stories.
- Eat food that is more protein and fat and nutritional focused and have less carbs, sugar and starch.
- Take better care of my back by carrying less weight, laying on my back each day, stretching, core strengthening, using electronic devices less, using ergonomic stands or equipment if I do use devices, and having better posture.
- Have an intention and theme of the day and see how the day may act as a Tarot card in motion for me with lessons to learn and things to know.
- Use more natural and soothing products that has good smells and gives me vitamins or probiotics and leaves me feeling more happy and relaxed about how my body feels.
- Create soothing environments with pretty music, lights and candles.
- Create my own affirmation Tarot cards, felt animals, journals, bookmarks, and stickers. Maybe sell them on Etsy.
- Read books about mindfulness and positive psychology.
- Go to meetups, book clubs, dance clubs, and meet people and share things.
- Go on long walks in the hills while listening to music. Go to parks and nature, be with trees and see grand views.
- Make a list of 30 acts of kindness to do in the month approaching my birthday.
- Travel with my mom.
- Rent a place with friends for a weekend or a week getaway. Tahoe, Maui, Sante Fe, Grand Canyon, San Diego, Toronto…these are possibilities.
- Actually buy tickets or have a date in mind to see my dad.
- Hula hoop at Dolores Park again.